Body Image

I loved Dr. Coyne's lecture on Body Image. Body image is something I have struggled with since I was a little girl. Even though I was an active kid, I was pretty chubby. From being called fatty to being told to run laps to lose weight, outside messages weighed heavily on how I viewed myself. The hardest part about this was most of the messages were from family members. 

As soon as I reached middle school and was able to join the tennis team, I did. Partly because I like the sport, partly because my older sister who was very skinny played tennis too. While joining the tennis team and being even more active helped me lose some weight, I was still always self-conscious, especially in my tennis uniform. 

I continued to play tennis all of high school. In addition to playing tennis, I tried to work-out every day and be as active as I could. I tried to eat healthily and really focus on not eating too many sweets or carbs. I constantly looked at my sister and wished I could look like her. I wanted to make sure I looked skinny in every picture I took and would delete any I didn't think looked flattering enough. 

I remember my senior prom. I got this gorgeous dress and I couldn't wait to take pictures with my date and friends, go to dinner, and have fun at the dance. When I looked at the pictures I had on my phone I wanted to cry. I hated the way I looked. I felt like I was fat and looked huge in every single picture. Every photo after that I made sure to suck in. I cried that night when I got home because I was so mad at how "fat" I was. 

The summer after I graduated high school I was in my best shape ever. My mom would say I looked tiny, but I still didn't feel good enough. 

Flash forward about two years later and I had gained 15 pounds since getting married and using birth control "that causes weight gain". I hated my body and questioned how my husband can find me attractive. I wished so badly to be at the weight I was right when I graduated high school. I looked back at pictures and compared myself to what I used to be.

Even at my "best", I wasn't happy with myself. Now, I am still not always happy with how I look, but I realize that there is so much more to myself than how skinny I am. I have realized that my body is a gift from God and even though I may not have rock hard abs and a perfect lifted butt, I can still do amazing things with it. I know my husband loves me the way I am and doesn't care if I have tummy rolls. I still struggle with body image, but I have come to see the bigger picture. I can look back on old photos and laugh and smile at the things my body has brought me through. 

"Carbo" as my dad would call me

War Eagle!

Our oldest sister's wedding. I wished I could look just like her.

Family photos

Senior Prom

I love this picture now because of where I was and the experiences I had there. When I took it, I loved it most because for once I felt like I looked skinny. This was at my stake's youth conference to Nauvoo. The whole trip I didn't eat any carbs and I was pleased with myself. 

This was a couple months after we got married. I wanted to wear loose shirts and cover up any sign that I had gained weight.